Thursday, September 20, 2012

china trip : attachment and the pearl markets

While I sit here typing this, my little Phebe is lying in the crib, singing herself to sleep. It is so sweet.

It has not been a easy transition for her. She has found it hard to come to terms with the fact that another woman (me!) has entered her little life and (in her eyes) is trying to replace the very close bond she had with her nanny in the orphanage. Generally speaking, not many children (in orphanages) get a lot of one-on-one attention, because of the volume of children. But we believe Phebe did get a lot of special attention. In Phebe's orphanage, there was only herself and one other baby, who was only a few months old.

I know Phebe's attachment will get stronger, as she learns and experiences that she can trust me and depend on me. I am thankful that she lets me dress her, feed her and change her diaper. Also in the hotel room, she plays and jokes around with me. It's hard, because she will play with me for quite a while and then I can totally see her realize that she is having too much fun with me - it's like a little switch flips and she becomes mildly aggressive in her playing and hits me away. I know it is a self protection mechanism and I understand how much she has given up and come through, to get to this point. This only started happening towards the end of our time in Changsha. At the start I found it hard, rejection is hard, especially when you love someone so much... but I have an amazing supportive husband, who unfortunately was the rejected party last time we were in China, adopting Lilah, so he understands how my emotions. And I know that our little Phebe will learn to trust me, our bond will become strong with time. In fact, each day I can already see small amounts of progress. And I've been reading a lot online, on the subject. This is an excellent article, that has definitely helped me.

Phebe is such a happy happy girl, all the time, the only time we see her disgruntled is when she is tired or hungry!

The good news is, she loves her Baba more than anything. And seeing their very close bond is heart warming. It gives me so much hope. Phebe also adores her big sister and basically can't let go of her hand. For sure the honeymoon period is wearing off a little for Lilah, I say that in the kindest way possible! Lilah loves her sister so much, but I can see her hiding her stuff now, which I know is normal. And she can be rather bossy to her little sister - to be fair though, a lot of the time, what she is saying is valid! However, we are trying to teach Lilah that it's the parents job to do the parenting, so it's a work in progress! But I know our Lilah girl will pull through. She is doing more amazing than we ever anticipated. We've also been loving on her a lot and I've had a lot of time to dedicate to her, which has been great.

Today we did a little shopping at the Pearl Markets. Several new dresses later and man oh man, am I getting good at bargaining! I was so proud of myself, $5 US dollars for each Chinese dress. Now, if only the pearls came at that price!

funny girls

Who can laugh the loudest?!
She is such a happy girl, you can't help but love her and want to scoop her up and show her just that.

funny girls

funny girls

She always lifts the phone and says "wéi!" It sounds like 'way' and means an informal hello, like hi. It is so cute!
Since she started doing this, I hear many people (on our daily travels) saying the same thing, when they answer their cell phones!

14 comments:

  1. Thanks for this update, Jill! We will continue to pray for your little Phebe, for Lilah and for you two. We can see that Phebe is so glad to have a big sister, that's great! Lilah is being a wonderful big sister to her! You are in our thoughts and prayers!
    Love, S&M xo

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  2. Ah, I so remember our transition time. Liliah was such a happy baby and was at ease with both of us in China. It was like a second honeymoon for us with her. She quickly though, switched to LOVE for hubby when we returned home. I think it was around month 5 that I began getting frustrated with her (at times) because I thought surely that was enough time for her to connect with me deeply (ha!). The Lord reminded me that LOVE gives without expectations. I was looking for her to change and He worked on me (heh!) He reminded me that just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day you turn a corner or look up and see how far you have come. It is so true. She LOVES her mama!! It is nice that you have time to work with Lilah on her transition. Blessings to you guys!

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  3. I have loved reading your posts and haven't commented on the last few... every time I start to I get pulled away. :-)

    Oh my.....Lily is still bossy with Ty... and we are STILL working on it. :-) Something tells me we always will be. They were so close to each other from the beginning (and still are) but it didn't take long for the honeymoon to end. Lily started to hide her things from him about 3 days in.
    Then the attachment... Ty wanted dad for everything and was so heartbroken when dad had to go back to work. He looked at me as if OH NO I AM STUCK WITH HER which was followed by many tears. I remember the first time he needed me... he fell and hurt himself and I thought surely he would go to dad but he cried out for mom. Those days seem like so long ago now and these littles seem to have quite a bond.... and if Ty gets hurt he calls for mom (I think he figured out that will get him quicker action)... which I am so thankful for. God taught and teaches us so much through it all!!!!

    Our prayers are with all 4 of you as you navigate this beautiful journey as a family of 4!!!!

    Thank you for sharing it all with us!!!

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  4. I love that last "hi" photo!

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  5. I also was the rejected party for our first adoption... it hurts, but she will learn to trust you! I also have a bossy girl, who loves to try to parent the others... it is still frustrating... She seems pretty happy though and you can see her becoming more and more herself each day.

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  6. I remember after coming home with our second, after a few weeks, Sylvie went back to preschool twice a week. Poor Mary was beside herself, she truly attached herself to her big sister first, copying her every move (including following her lead in hugging and kissing Mama/Baba). I still remember our first days together truly alone at home, Mary would eye me up with a "what do I do with you now" kinda look. I am so glad that she is allowing you to feed, change and hold her, little steps that will build a strong foundation.

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  7. Oh goodness, are they cute together! No doubt, they will have their bumps along the way, but I have no doubt those two are going to be the very best of friends one day :)

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  8. Oh that last phone had me cracking up! Madeline would answer the phone the same way. It was so stinkin' cute.

    Yep, this journey is not without its bumps in the road. Even Caleb, who is very easy going, had a difficult time.

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  9. Adorable! We speak Cantonese and answer the phone "Way"

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  10. Thank you for sharing the joys and the struggles. I think it is so important. I am sure that many people relate to and benefit from reading it. And not to worry...we are still constantly telling the boys to let us parent Kate. it is just an older sibling thing. I am praying for Phebe's transition and attachment and I will continue to pray for you all. She is so adorable.

    Hugs,
    Kim

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  11. As you know, it will just take time for Phebe to realize that you are the real deal. My gosh, she is so cute though (just like her big sister). I love the pictures you take of the girls.

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  12. Oh...I am just getting caught up a bit...and I have loved every single second of your journey. Your words and photos will be like treasures to you the rest of your days. :-) It sounds like everything is going as well as to be expected. My Jillian rejected me in China...and as hard as it was...I remember thinking that once we got home and settled...she would be mine all mine (ha...she had no choice!)...but she DID come around in her own time and of course all is well. :-) My Lia will still chastise me for parenting "mistakes"...and almost a year later, we still have to gently remind her that there are only two parents in our home. :-) I can't wait to see you all home and settled and watch you settle into your new life. Good stuff I tell you. As hard as they are...and as tired as you feel...THESE are some of the best days of your life. :-)

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  13. I have no doubt that you will win her over completely with just a little bit of time. I think you're right..she doesn't want to like you as much as she does. She is such a cutie and the phone pic is cracking my up.

    Gin =)

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  14. Paul and I were both kind of rejected by Ren for quite awhile, unfortunately. So I'm glad to hear that at least one of you - Colin - has been accepted! But I know how much it hurts to be rejected. You are doing so well and will earn her trust and love in due course. Hang in there!

    Best wishes to Lilah as well. She has been doing so well from the sounds of it! Claire turned into a total bear when we adopted Ren. For someone so excited to have a little brother, she turned crazy-aggressive in no time! (Although in her defence, she wasn't even three and her "little" brother was bigger than her.) Anyway, I'm incredibly impressed with how well Lilah is adjusting so far. I know you'll continue to love on her like crazy to help her through it all.

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